Living in the now

Last night, someone I love very much was almost killed in a car accident. Luckily, they will be ok, but the what if's are consuming me.

What I have learned is this.

I have an amazing life. I love my children, my family, my friends, my home, my job and just about everything else that touches me. Sure there are some crappy days, but those days are part of my life too. Sometimes I am so consumed with what is going to happen tomorrow that I miss what is happening today.

If you love someone, you should tell them...often. If you are good at something, you should participate in it...often. You should try hard to make those around you have a lighter burden, because when it comes down to it, what you make others feel is your legacy. If people leave your funeral and can say..."I loved her, I remember when..." and laugh, then your job as a human being, one of God's creatures is done and done well.

I have loved fully. This is a gift that most people don't get to experience. Most people go through life, find something that feels good and they go with it. I have been blessed beyond reason to have experienced something different. I have shared a connection with another human being that defies logic and sense. I have given myself fully and been burned, but I will not be bitter, because what he gave me was a gift. I cannot own what someone else does with a gift. I cannot be responsible if someone chooses to throw their gift away. I can only control myself, and so I choose to be thankful. I choose to be hopeful. I choose to be patient. I choose to be kind.

I will live and laugh and love and dance like nobody is watching. You never know when it will all be ripped from your hands. You don't have a choice in that.

I choose to never let anyone I love wonder if I love them. I choose to embrace life fully and love with reckless, hopeful abandon. I choose life, love and happiness.

If that is the case...how can it NOT choose me?

The next night

after work, I began the trek to his hotel in North Phoenix to go to dinner. We talked on the phone most of the way there and I will admit, I felt quietly confidant. More like I was going to dinner with an old friend than begining an adventure with a possible new love.
Alright, I did pull over and mess with my lip gloss once...ok, and I made sure my eyeliner wasn't smudged. I wore red that day because it made me feel beautiful too. (What? I am still a girl!)

When I got there, he invited me in and we sat for a few minutes before we went to dinner. It was like being in the company of someone I had known forever, I cannot explain it further than that because unless you were there, it doesn't make sense. In my head, I was attracted to him, but still hesitant to really jump in with both feet. After all, he could still be a serial killer, and I wanted to take my time getting to know him.

We drove to Pappa Deux. I had never been and he thought it looked cool, so that was the spot. We did the first date thing, learning more about each other, starting to get used to each others presence. When I suggested that we try fried alligator for an appetizer, he gave me a look and said "Seriously?" Hell yes seriously. Why not try something new? It seemed to be the new code I was living by, and I was going with it! (FYI, I thought it was disgusting, he actually liked it. Go figure.)

After dinner, we walked back to the car, both of us swimming around in the newness of what we were feeling, a mixture of old friends-new beginings. When we got back to the parking lot at the hotel, I started to walk him to his room, when he unexpectedly grabbed my wrist and pulled me to his chest. That was when it happened. Something that has only ever happened one other time in my entire 37 years.
My heart lept and my stomach turned over.
This man, who I was just starting to know, had made my heart pound with anticipation, fear, longing, excitement, joy and confusion. All I could think was 'PAY ATTENTION. This is not something that you can blow off.....this man makes your heart race.'

Then he kissed me and all I can say is that it was magical. (How cheesy does THAT sound? If I hadn't lived it, I would get a little nauseaous with the Disneyness of it.)This man, from so far away, who was nothing like me or the people I grew up with had made me feel like I was 16 and on my very first date.

As I wobbled to my car to begin the long drive home, my whole self wanted to stay there with him and begin forever....

............but we all know it doesn't work like that.

I settled for calling him and talking all the way home.

That night...

...flew by. I cannot remember what we talked about, but I know we talked for hours, about everything and nothing. He interested me and I felt somehow.......alert, to the fact that my senses were tingling.

The thing is, I was in no hurry to meet anyone. I was still recovering from my divorce and from a short, intense relationship with an old high school friend, and was really just looking to have some fun. To meet new people, broaden my horizons............you know. Date.

I think we talked every night for a few weeks, when he casually mentioned that he was going to be in town for an IT conference at the end of September. Would we like to meet face to face? My initial reaction was fear. Things were going so well on the phone, what if we met and it ruined everything? How ridiculous was that? What was I thinking..that we could just go on talking for the rest of our lives? Of course we had to meet. To see if this chemistry carried over in person as well. So, plans were made for him to come over and have a soda and just meet. That's all, meet.

I was a WRECK. I remember going to work that day and telling all my friends his name and where he was from, just in case I disappeared. (I also reminded them of the Lawn Mowing Stalker and that they might ought to check out both men if I went MIA.) All my friends at work thought I was nuts. Who, they asked, flies out here to meet someone with just the idea of meeting them? They were just sure that he was going to turn out to be a serial killer who would bury me in the backyard, and I have to admit, they had me second guessing myself a little.

I got home from work and started busying myself by tidying the house and trying to focus on something other than my nerves. He called when he got close for last minute directions and before I knew it, I saw his headlights approaching from the west. I remember taking a deep breath and thinking, "Here we go...be cool." I also remember wondering why I was so nervous? What did it matter if he liked me or I liked him in person? We were already friends...what was there to lose?

He pulled into the driveway in his dark grey Dodge Charger and stepped out. He was taller than I imagined and had shy eyes. He took a short glance at me, then a longer look and said,
"You're cute."
It broke the tension and we both laughed and I hugged him. He was solid and smelled nice, (good sign). I invited him in and we talked for a little bit. Upon closer inspection, he had lovely hazel eyes and long, super cow eyelashes. He was dressed in jeans and skater shoes, a big ol' kid. And one other thing, he couldn't stop staring at me. It wasn't disconcerting though, as one might expect. Actually, it had the exact opposite effect. I got sleepy. (That never happens, I am too high strung to relax in the presence of a stranger.) I actually started to doze off as we talked on the couch, and before I knew it, i was curled against him with my head on his chest drifting off to sleep!
It was one of the most comfortable moments of my life. It just felt familiar, relaxing and completely safe.

I don't know how long he was there, but it wasn't long enough, and soon he had to go back to his hotel because we both had early mornings. Before he left, we made plans to see each other the next night for dinner, but I would drive out to his side of town, over by Metro Center.

I don't remember if we talked on the phone after he left, I just remember feeling like I should pay attention. This could be big.

Project Redwood

One of my students came up with the name Project Redwood when we were talking about a new guy I was seeing who happened to live in Northern California. I love it. Makes me feel like 007, talking in code.

I joined eHarmony in May of 2007, mainly because my mom had met her husband on the site and I had never seen her so happy. I went on many, many, MANY first dates. Notice I say first dates.

We kicked off the adventure with "The Masturbator." We only spoke on the phone once, and for obvious reasons, I cut the phone call very short. . . . ok, let's try this again.

Guy number two was sincere and sweet and very, very sweaty. Poor guy sweat right through our meal and continued the disaster by belching up his steak and onions all during the movie. (Let me just say EEEEWWWWWWWW!) We saw the new James Bond movie, which I loved and was very into, except that Mr. Sweat kept touching my back and legs. I had to stay one step ahead of him, because I didn't really want to slap him in the theater. (I mentioned the movie was really good right?) He walked me to my car and came in for a goodnight kiss....at which point, I turned around, got in my car and drove a crazy route home, just in case he was following me.

Guy number three was in the army, but had a very special secret that he and his recently deceased, sainted wife kept.

He liked to wear women's clothes and makeup.

No. I am not kidding. Now, here's the thing...that doesn't scare me or make me freak out because, good for him. To be comfortable enough with yourself and to want to find someone to love you for you is what we are all doing, so to each his own. I don't judge him for his lifestyle, I just don't want to play.

The next contestant decided after our first date, that he was in love with me. He brought me flowers EVERY DAY for a week and when I told him that this was very sweet but a little too much, he started calling me every.......five........minutes. When I finally answered, he blurted out that he was going to die without me and that if he couldn't have me, no one would. Nice. He actually called me one Sunday when I was out shopping with Vickie and told me he couldn't get into my backyard because the sprinklers were on. I tried hard to casually ask him WHY he would need to get into my backyard, and he said that he had mowed my front yard and trimmed my shrubs and just wanted to finish the job. We lovingly refer to him as the "Lawn mowing stalker" and Brad at work has this guys name in case I go missing one day.

The men after that were all a blur...except for one who told me during his glass of chardonnay that he was, in fact, gay. Hm. What was in my profile that was making this happen?

Then, one afternoon in August, I was matched with a man who looked so familiar to me, that I stared for awhile, trying to place where I knew him from. This guy had actually 'closed' me, because we lived too far away from each other. I had been 'closed' by a dozen men before, and my only thought was to move on. What did I care if they closed me before they got to know me? But this man was different. His posts were funny and wry and I couldn't shake that I somehow knew him. I sent him a 'please reconsider' post and the next thing I knew, we were sending guided communications across the net. Usually the process takes awhile, with both people being busy....but this guy and I started emailing back and forth so quickly, it became apparent that we did, indeed actually need to talk. Late that night, after a series of posts during which I would type something then compulsively check to see if he had answered in between other chores and things, I started realizing that I wanted to 'chat' with him all night, but couldn't sit at my computer any longer. That was when we decided to actually talk. He gave me his number, told me to wait until he got his children to bed at 9:30 and to call him then.

I was sooo nervous. I was also a little scared he would turn out to be cuckoo for Coco Puffs, so I wanted to be able to use the call blocker to block my phone number. Turns out, I am an idiot and couldn't make it work, so I called him from my cell, just in case.

He answered, with a soothing voice, gentle manner, sharp, sarcastic wit..........

Oh! The promise I heard in that voice!

................................................... and the adventure began.

Next up; MOM!

How do I even begin to talk about my mother? She is intelligent, quick witted, sarcastic, genuine, brave, fierce about her family, loyal, opinionated, not afraid to try new things and has a soft, chocolate, center. (She actually put that gem into her description of herself on an online dating service until Stacey and I laughed her out of it.)

More later.....

Cody, Bex and Brody

My only other sibling has turned out to be my role model for relationships. Cody is 12 years my junior, rowdy, energetic, optimistic, not afraid to take chances and completely devoted to his family.

I remember when he was born, all I wanted to do was hold him and entertain him. I used to have to put him down for naps on his 'fraggle' and tap his back in a series of threes to get him to go to sleep. He was incredibly annoying and supremely entertaining at the same time.
He has grown into a confidant for me. Someone with whom I can share secrets and get absolutely no judgement in return. We have gone on runs in 115 degree weather where I have bared my soul to him and he didn't once say to me "Are you nuts?"

He is a devoted husband and father and has a vision for himself and his life that makes him unwilling to settle for second best. He is not one of those men who will spend his life doing what he needs to do in order to get what he wants. He is a man with the courage to pursue what he wants to do in order to provide for his needs. Brave, loyal, funny as hell, mischievous and the only one who can hug me like my dad used to.

His wife is the perfect addition to our family. She is strong, opinionated, silly, and amazing mother and has the uncanny ability to let Cody be Cody. She is the perfect sister that Stacey and I never knew we wanted...but it turns out we need her too. She is an amazing mother to Brody, and my favorite person to have a drink with and sit around the campfire. She is totally honest, insightful and FUNNY without even realizing it.

I am blessed beyond reason the have these three terrific people in my life.

Stacey Diane, Practically Perfect in Every Way.

Other than my children, the thing I am most grateful for is my family, so I thought I would take a few minutes to say something about them. My sister is 25. That makes me 13 years older than her...which means nothing other than her butt is better than mine. Well, OK, and she has no gray hair and crows feet...but we are the same age everywhere else. She is determined, fierce, funny, trustworthy, has great rhythm and is the best aunt I have ever witnessed. She laughs like nobody on the planet, with her nostrils and shoulders shaking, she sounds like a chicken with hiccups. I used to call her at work and say ridiculous things just to make her lose it. She actually had to make a sign that she held up that said, "I am ok, I am talking to my sister" because people thought she was choking.

She has never once failed to come when I need her, and although I am older, she is wiser and frequently talks me down from the ledge. She is one of my best friends and confidants.

We have driven to Disneyland on a whim, seen hundreds of movies and spent hours driving aimlessly sharing secrets and snacks. In February of 2007, we drove to the Natural Bridge up in Payson. On a slick, 2 lane, mountain road, with a 1500 foot cliff on one side and a mountain on the other, my back tires slid out from under the suburban and we crashed. We slammed into the mountain and then started to flip. All I could think about as we rolled over and over was that we were going over the edge. When we finally stopped, we were upside down. Surrounded by glass, I couldn't imagine how I was going to get Stacey out without cutting her to shreds. We both felt something push us over to upright at the same time. We are sure it was our Dad. :) When we landed, we looked at each other and she yelled, "Put on the brake, " and we had to climb out the windows. There was no cell reception, and we were on a rarely traveled forest road, so we had to wait for someone to come by and had to send them to get a park ranger. It was terrifying, but we walked away unscathed. She had a cut on her palm, I had some broken ribs and a concussion, and we both had wicked whiplash. We spent the next few days recuperating by laying on my trampoline in the sunshine in pain, but laughing. Laughing because we could, because we were alive, because we were together and because it would take more than a slippery mountain road to take us from each other.

She is one of my heroes and I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for allowing us to be together.

I look forward to seeing what happens in her life as she gets older. It will be every bit as amazing as her.